Good and Bad

It's been a pretty good week so far! I've for sure been eating more than I'm used to :( Whomp whomp. But, there are two reasons for this: 1. I am with a family that I work for, and am expected to eat at the same times as them, and 2. we exercise like crazy. Tons of bike riding, walking, pushing the stroller, swimming and giving out plenty of piggyback rides! Today has been pretty hard; I'm having a slight mental break down from the lack of privacy and down time, but, obviously, I finally have a minute to myself. Enjoying a glass of white wine (I deserve the calories, and need the alcohol), and catching up on some stuff for my other job. It just never ends! I'm frustrated that there is no scale here, but hoping that my number will be down by the time I get home. Tomorrow I'm going to try to eat a little less, because I have a date with an awesome girl on Wednesday! Dating is fun. Good luck to every one today. Stay strong.  

Great week ahead!

I'm so excited! Going to Washington DC for the week for work! There will be lots of bike riding, and walking around the city, and chasing my beautiful little one. I'm a nanny... It's going to be a lot of fun, and so much activity, I'm sure to lose some weight! It has been one of the hardest few weeks of my life, but I am determined to turn things around for myself. Twenty-two is going to be the best year of my life, I know it! Naked juice in hand, I have a lot of work and packing to do today. Let's get to it!

Big Day

Game day! I'm so excited to see the Sox play today; Boston is the most beautiful city in the world (although I have left a piece of my heart in Klaipeda, and a piece in Paris), and any day I get to spend there is a good day. Waking up with a sugar free Red Bull, and Power Garden Naked Juice. It's gonna be an amazing day, and no matter what, I'm going to love it!! Go SOX!

Under 700

I'm going to go the next seven days with every day under 700 calories. I'll plan out what to eat every day so that I don't go over by accident. That will mean no alcohol, which will be the hardest, because I really do drink too much. I don't think that is 100% my fault though; when you go out with friends, that's what you do- you go out for a drink. Tomorrow, Thursday is the only day I will let myself go over 700, because I'm going to a Red Sox game for my birthday! There will be drinking, but I won't eat anything too bad because I started vegan again. Yesterday was the first day I ate vegan since graduation, and the first day I didn't get a stomach ache or throw up. Went to the doctor's last week, and she wants me to see a stomach doctor. I'm not sure if my stomach aches are because of what I've been eating, or more psychological. I for sure have food anxiety, but there might also be an actual physical problem. I'll find out soon. If there is a problem, it might be related to why it is so hard for me to lose weight. We'll see! Until then I'm going to stay strong. I've gained some weight, and my first goal right now is to get back down to 170. I want to do this by the end of July.

Now, here are a few thinspos to keep you motivated and encouraged!

Long month, so long.

Well, this has been a long, crazy, and unexpected month. Fuck it, just fuck it.

Turns out happily dating someone is bad for weight loss.

Getting dumped, however, proves to be quite effective.

Turned 22, cried over stupid ex girlfriend, totaled my car in bad accident.

Fuck it.

Just fuck it.

Now that I have no more distractions, it's time to be serious. I know, I know, I've said it before, but this time I mean it. Expect many posts in the months to come. Moving to Orlando in three month. Plan to lose 20 pounds before then. I think that is reasonable and healthy. 

Post Grad

Well, graduation was full of fatty, nasty foods, tons of family, and a large amount of money and gifts. I gave myself a week off from dieting, and then got my period, so ate enough for a small army as well as all the children in Africa, but I'm still on a post graduation high, so I haven't felt guilty about it. Meeting a new and wonderful girl isn't hurting either. I'm looking forward to a summer of eating right, working out (finally back to having a country club, thank God), and finding new love.

Also, I did not make my goal of 165 for graduation. I'm disappointed, but not letting it get me down. I start every day new, and I will get to my ultimate goal, and I will love myself so much. One day at a time. 

My, What Nice Legs You Have

Oops.

Ate dinner about an hour ago. Purged. I've never done that before.

1. It was disgusting. Almost completely undigested food coming back out of your mouth is repulsive. Made me vomit even more.

2. I'm mad that I spent money on dinner, only for it to end up in the toilet.

3. I have a new sense of respect for Mia's-- I don't condone eating disorders, even though, let's be honest I basically have one.

4. I hate myself because I feel way less guilty than I would have if I'd kept that shit in my stomach.

5. Fuck.

And flavor SUCKS coming back up. 

Ten Days

Overwhelmed. Frustrated with school. Graduation is in ten days, and I am so behind. I'm worried I won't pass one class, and then my parents would kill me. I've been so anxious, and I tend to stress vomit-- not on purpose, I hate puking-- and my stomach is in a constant knot. I've decided to not drink at all until graduation; that's a long time for me, I usually can't go more than a day! Ha. But it will help me to get my work done and probably shed a few pounds. Beer has so many calories, and I drink it like it's my job. Really hoping for a good next week and a half. I'm almost done. I've almost made it.

Stay strong. 

Blah.

Today is not a good day. Today I don't feel "stay strong, get skinny". Today I feel shit. Today I feel fat, and every time I look in the mirror, all I can see are the pools of cellulite polluting my ass, and the mounds of fat rolling over my stomach. I can't focus on my ribs, or wrist bones. I just feel and look gross. I have no outside encouragement, and I can't find it in myself today. I'm worried I won't look good enough by graduation; I'm worried I won't find a girl who will be attracted to me. Today I just feel shit. 

Spending this weekend at a friends house about three hours away from school. I love coming to visit here, her family is amazing, but there is so much FOOD EVERYWHERE. I explained that I was vegan, but I think I'll have to cheat some; I don't want to be rude. I'm also going to be writing a ton of papers and studying for finals, which can be really stressful, which often drives to me to eat junk food. I already bought my graduation dress, so I cannot afford to gain any weight; I need to lose some more before then- two weeks. Just hoping that this weekend won't put too much of a dent in my progress. I'm really proud of myself for how well I've been doing, and I want to keep it up.

It's funny, sometimes, being around this friend. She wants to lose weight, too, and sometimes gets upset that I'm losing it quickly, feeling good about myself, talk about dieting, etc... but then she eats soo much. And I can't say anything to her about it, because I don't want to make her feel badly. I use is as encouragement, because I can see her gaining while I'm losing; I don't want to eat the foods she does. But at the same time... it looks so yummy.

Katherine Moennig

This is Katherine Moennig, my absolute number one thinspiration. She plays Shane on the L Word, and she is perfect. I'm in love.

 I just... Ah. She is the perfect amount of thin and tone. Unfortunately, my ribs/boobs will never ever be that small. Oh well, she is still gorgeous!

One More Day

Binged a little bit today, but nothing too embarrassing, and not tooo too much. Stayed totally vegan, so I at least don't have to feel guilty about that. And I worked a nine hour shift today, on my feet and walking around the whole time. Dealing with frustrating customers and being surrounded by chocolate chip cookies and broccoli cheddar soup can be frustrating, but my lovely lady friend made me tofu stir fry to take with me today, and the giant portion I ate was all under 300 calories. I got really bad cravings tonight, though, and I wanted to eat so much junk food-- like every bad thing I could think of, and then my roommate cooked something that smelled AMAZING, and I said, "fuck". I then proceeded to eat baked lays tortilla chips and medium salsa. I'm a little mad that I ate anything this late at all, but considering what I wanted to eat, I don't feel too bad about it. I got a giant Naked juice for tomorrow, which will keep me full and feeling healthy. I'm staying positive! 

168.8. I am fucking awesome. I honestly can't remember the last time I was under 170.  I'm so proud of myself, and I am wicked excited about going vegan! Everyone should do it, it is a miracle worker.

On another note, incredibly interesting night last night. Sexual situations are... complicated.

See you all soon!

Okay, three days of vegan, and I'm back to almost where I was a few months ago. I had gained about twelve pounds, and went up to 182, but this morning I am back to 173. It could be better, of course, but it could be worse. I really let myself and my priorities go for a while, I haven't had any time to think about what I've been eating. But I'm already feeling much better, and my energy is up. I want to be 165 by the time graduation gets here-- May 11. That will be the lightest I've been since my freshman year of college, when I had my tonsils removed. I felt so thin! I realize that this isn't a small number, but my ribs are already popping out, and I can count them, see the bones. It looks like I have a second set of boobs, and I hate it. But anyway, I will be happy if I get there before graduation. I can do it! I would post a picture of my ribs, but I have a few very recognizable tattoos, and I want to keep this private. Maybe some day. Everyone have a great day, and stay strong! 

Started vegan again yesterday. Worked pretty well the first time I did it, but I'm a fat kit, and I got distracted by cheese. And ice cream. Not this time! It's all Naked Juice and soy from here on out. Bring on the energy, healthy living, and weight loss. Going to re-read Skinny Bitch- the BEST book if you are thinking of going vegan. So helpful!

I'm the worst :(

God, I am the worst. I've got huge- well, not huge, but I've certainly not lost any weight. I blame it on school and a bad break up. Oh well. The 80 degree weather and dragging out my collection of shorts have reminded me that, oh, yeah, I'll actually have to start wearing these. Luckily, and much to my surprise, my shorts from last summer are much too big, and are constantly slipping down my hips. While I'm not on track for the weight I want to lose, it is encouraging to see that I'm way smaller than last year. It could be worse. But, seeing my legs bare for all to stare at has thrown me back into thinspo. Can't use school as an excuse, and I want to lose ten pounds before graduation. That's one month from tomorrow. I know I can do it, and I will reward myself with a nice new dress to wear under my gown. I'm not going to have another fat-kid-summer. Nope, not me. I'm ready to kick that kids ass! Let's go! 

Haven't been here in a while. Been a really bad and stressful week, complete with an awful panic attack. Nothing much to say. Staying at the same weight, haven't been able to put much emphasis on it what with everything else going. This week at school is really tough, but I'm pumped for spring break next week. Visiting my dad up North for a few days, then heading out West to see my mom. Hoping for a relaxing vacation with no stress. Also not too much fatty food, cause you know I'll be a thousand pounds by the time I get back. I can't help it... Mom just cooks SO GOOD.

Anyway. Check back in later. Nothing much to say right now. Feeling depressed. Tired. Off to sleep; hoping I wake up before noon to do some school work.

Goodnight, moon. 

Oh, Valentine's day. Such an amazing holiday- for people with a love interest. For others, like me, it's just another day where I wish I were getting laid, but, I'm in bed alone. I'm a hopeless romantic, and I have such big dreams about what I want Valentine's to be, but it never happens. I'm about ready to give up on the notion. For tonight, though, I will just try to be fine. Go to bed early. Get up, go to class, and move on with my life. Every day is going to get a little bit easier, at least that's what they tell me. I hope it's true.

Anyway, happy Valentines.

172 this morning. 

173.8 this morning.
Veggie cup of red peppers and cucumbers.
Killed it by going out for Mardi Gras... 3 beers and half of a fried fish sandwich. I've lost quite a bit in the last two weeks (close to ten pounds (probably due to a bad break up)), so I'm not going to stress about it. This week, I'm going to focus on relieving the stress that's been building up in my life. I want to emotionally and physically awesome :)

Don't forget, YOU'RE WORTH IT. Do this for you, no one else.

More thinspiration pictures tomorrow maybe; tattoo thinspo? Yes please. 

Incredibly frustrated. Everything seems to be falling apart, and I can't find one semblance of control. I'm struggling to keep my head up when everything is crashing around me. I'm praying for strength.

176.2

Class, and work today. Be up late doing homework; yesterday didn't end up as productive as I had hoped. Got distracted by whatever it is that stupid girls get distracted by. 

Well, just had a very embarrassing realization that I missed the "s" in thinspiration on my http, and all this time it has said thinpirationforme. Which, let's be honest, doesn't really work. Upon trying to change it, of course, my original idea for the web address was taken. The new link is thinspirationisforme.blogspot.com. I hope that anyone reading my (very) short lived blog will be able to find the new page, and can continue finding some kind of hope or encouragement through my posting.

176.4 today. Every ounce counts, but man I hate going slowly. Fucking hate it.

176.8 this morning, which means I am 1.8 pounds away from my next goal weight. It feels good to be making progress, but I just want it right now. I want it so badly, and I can feel it. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. I'm thinking about going vegan again, but it's so expensive and I just don't have the money since moving into my new place. I did, though, somehow manage to find a hundred dollars to blow on a new tattoo.

Not sure why I did that.

Anyway, super busy weekend filled with school and other depressing things. Good things are on the way. Good things are going to happen.

Have a fasting/cleansing day or week. Your body will get rid of all this shit you don't need, and you'll feel great! Stick to just water, if you can. If not, raw veggies and fruits are a great start. Even if you don't shed pounds, your body will thank you for the break from junk food.

Hoping that my number will be down tomorrow, but determined to stay positive either way.

Stay strong.

Today:
Sugar free, 8 oz Red Bull: 10 kcal
A lot of wine: Don't even wanna think about it.

Tomorrow: Red Bull.
Hopefully nothing else. We'll see.

I realize my eating habits are unhealthy. Probably time I go back to therapy. My goal is to eat healthy and go to the gym... My situation right now makes me crave the control of restricting calories though. I promise to be a better thinspiration in the future. 

178 today. One pound at a time seems so monotonous. I want to feel proud, but it's so miniscule. I want to wake up and see something beautiful, not this. Oh well, one pound is one pound. Stay strong!

Bear With Me

Please. Bear with me while I figure out how to use this site. In the past, I have blogged with a different server, but it is time for new things!

I guess to start, I'd just like to say what I'm looking for in this blog. Overall, it is a place for me to track my weight loss and thinspo, but I would love it to be a place of community and strength for others. It is so much easier to accomplish a goal when you have like-minded people encouraging you along the way.

Too many years of my life I have been overweight and unhappy, but not anymore! I am going to get in shape, and have the body I've always wanted, the one that's hiding inside.

Over the past four months, I have lost thirty pounds, and plan to lose fifty more throughout this year. While this seems like a daunting task, I'm determined, and I know I can do it. I'm too pretty to be fat, and this year is all about me. I'll do whatever I have to, and I won't watch another year of my life go by without my approval. Every day is new, so let's do it!