Blah.

Today is not a good day. Today I don't feel "stay strong, get skinny". Today I feel shit. Today I feel fat, and every time I look in the mirror, all I can see are the pools of cellulite polluting my ass, and the mounds of fat rolling over my stomach. I can't focus on my ribs, or wrist bones. I just feel and look gross. I have no outside encouragement, and I can't find it in myself today. I'm worried I won't look good enough by graduation; I'm worried I won't find a girl who will be attracted to me. Today I just feel shit. 

Spending this weekend at a friends house about three hours away from school. I love coming to visit here, her family is amazing, but there is so much FOOD EVERYWHERE. I explained that I was vegan, but I think I'll have to cheat some; I don't want to be rude. I'm also going to be writing a ton of papers and studying for finals, which can be really stressful, which often drives to me to eat junk food. I already bought my graduation dress, so I cannot afford to gain any weight; I need to lose some more before then- two weeks. Just hoping that this weekend won't put too much of a dent in my progress. I'm really proud of myself for how well I've been doing, and I want to keep it up.

It's funny, sometimes, being around this friend. She wants to lose weight, too, and sometimes gets upset that I'm losing it quickly, feeling good about myself, talk about dieting, etc... but then she eats soo much. And I can't say anything to her about it, because I don't want to make her feel badly. I use is as encouragement, because I can see her gaining while I'm losing; I don't want to eat the foods she does. But at the same time... it looks so yummy.

Katherine Moennig

This is Katherine Moennig, my absolute number one thinspiration. She plays Shane on the L Word, and she is perfect. I'm in love.

 I just... Ah. She is the perfect amount of thin and tone. Unfortunately, my ribs/boobs will never ever be that small. Oh well, she is still gorgeous!

One More Day

Binged a little bit today, but nothing too embarrassing, and not tooo too much. Stayed totally vegan, so I at least don't have to feel guilty about that. And I worked a nine hour shift today, on my feet and walking around the whole time. Dealing with frustrating customers and being surrounded by chocolate chip cookies and broccoli cheddar soup can be frustrating, but my lovely lady friend made me tofu stir fry to take with me today, and the giant portion I ate was all under 300 calories. I got really bad cravings tonight, though, and I wanted to eat so much junk food-- like every bad thing I could think of, and then my roommate cooked something that smelled AMAZING, and I said, "fuck". I then proceeded to eat baked lays tortilla chips and medium salsa. I'm a little mad that I ate anything this late at all, but considering what I wanted to eat, I don't feel too bad about it. I got a giant Naked juice for tomorrow, which will keep me full and feeling healthy. I'm staying positive! 

168.8. I am fucking awesome. I honestly can't remember the last time I was under 170.  I'm so proud of myself, and I am wicked excited about going vegan! Everyone should do it, it is a miracle worker.

On another note, incredibly interesting night last night. Sexual situations are... complicated.

See you all soon!

Okay, three days of vegan, and I'm back to almost where I was a few months ago. I had gained about twelve pounds, and went up to 182, but this morning I am back to 173. It could be better, of course, but it could be worse. I really let myself and my priorities go for a while, I haven't had any time to think about what I've been eating. But I'm already feeling much better, and my energy is up. I want to be 165 by the time graduation gets here-- May 11. That will be the lightest I've been since my freshman year of college, when I had my tonsils removed. I felt so thin! I realize that this isn't a small number, but my ribs are already popping out, and I can count them, see the bones. It looks like I have a second set of boobs, and I hate it. But anyway, I will be happy if I get there before graduation. I can do it! I would post a picture of my ribs, but I have a few very recognizable tattoos, and I want to keep this private. Maybe some day. Everyone have a great day, and stay strong! 

Started vegan again yesterday. Worked pretty well the first time I did it, but I'm a fat kit, and I got distracted by cheese. And ice cream. Not this time! It's all Naked Juice and soy from here on out. Bring on the energy, healthy living, and weight loss. Going to re-read Skinny Bitch- the BEST book if you are thinking of going vegan. So helpful!

I'm the worst :(

God, I am the worst. I've got huge- well, not huge, but I've certainly not lost any weight. I blame it on school and a bad break up. Oh well. The 80 degree weather and dragging out my collection of shorts have reminded me that, oh, yeah, I'll actually have to start wearing these. Luckily, and much to my surprise, my shorts from last summer are much too big, and are constantly slipping down my hips. While I'm not on track for the weight I want to lose, it is encouraging to see that I'm way smaller than last year. It could be worse. But, seeing my legs bare for all to stare at has thrown me back into thinspo. Can't use school as an excuse, and I want to lose ten pounds before graduation. That's one month from tomorrow. I know I can do it, and I will reward myself with a nice new dress to wear under my gown. I'm not going to have another fat-kid-summer. Nope, not me. I'm ready to kick that kids ass! Let's go!